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New specials coming up about twice a week now, just sign up for the newsletter to know exactly when....New SPECIALS on Monday, May 12th 2008
(All my "blablabal" updates (mostly talk about beads, the making thereof and such) are now happening in my newsletter.....if it's something worth keeping, I'll eventually copy it from the newsletter and put it into the appropriate category, like "Tales from the Torch", but if you want it fresh and delivered to your virtual doorstep, make sure to sign up for the newsletter.
My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I
>would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always
>around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read
>his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for
>Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.
>
> Obituary
> Common Sense
>
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
>has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since
>his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
>remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to
>come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't
>always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
>than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are
>in charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
>overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
>charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
>from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
>reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
>job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
>declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
>administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Bandaid to a student, but could not
>inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
>abortion.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
>contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
>treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't
>defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you
>for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
>realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
>lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
>wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
>survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame,
>and I'm a Victim.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
>you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
>nothing.
The other day someone forwarded me a "joke" about why it takes women so long to be in a public restroom (I'll add that below) - but I think someone should write a little funny blurp about a woman trying to put together an Inversion Table. I ordered one online to help me with the problem I am having with the discs in my neck-vertabrae (hanging upside down allegedly takes the pressure of the discs for a little while, which makes sense) . But geee, one needs an engineering degree to get all the parts together. Try to figure this one out:
"Mount the bed frame to the rear u-frame by inserting the ends of the pivot arms into the channels on the plates, the slotted portion of the rollers, on the end of the pivot arms should be insterted into the channels on the join plates. Now, atted one Heel HOlder Bracket and andkle pad to one end of the rod, slide the roght through the large round hole on the dise of the boom and attach one heel holder bracket and ankle pad to the other end of the rod. "
The visual you are getting with this is quite simple:
I love the way the call it "Exploded Diagram"....I really have to make sure I get this footthing figured out properly, otherwishe it will be "exploded Corina"....wish me luck (so far I have 2 and a half hours into this assembly). I should have gotten a bouncing ball or a yoga mat or something like that (wait, I already HAVE those....)
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually
find a line of women, so you smile politely and take
your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet
under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking
down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet
your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"
(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if
there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but
quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles
begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay
toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach
for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's
voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh
yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have
to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your
Someone pushes your door open because the latch
doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is
hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and
you and your purse topple backward against the tank of
the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for
the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled
tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET
SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all
too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on
the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try. You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain
her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind
of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a
stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of
the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers
your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such
force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper
dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the
spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket and then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with
the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A
kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where
was that when you NEEDED it?? ) You yank the paper
from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell
her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed,
he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your
purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a
public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take
us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could
describe it so accurately! |
Need a little laugh? I sure enjoy this one (I should go out into bars more often.....)
THE INHERITANCE
> When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
> died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
> So one evening, he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
> woman he had ever seen.
> Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary
> man," he said as he walked up to
> her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
> million dollars."
> Impressed, the woman we nt home with him that evening and, three days later,
> she became his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much smarter than men!
(Monday) - I always love to show pictures of my dogs, but I'm of course not the only one who is a proud mother of more or less well-behaved critters. Sheryl has a very handsome young Boxer (Toby, the guy after whom I named a beadset), and he does the funniest thing. When you use the word "WALK" anywhere in a sentenced, he cocks his head sideways and looks at you as if he is saying "So, when are you taking me on one of THOSE?" One of these days I am going to have to make a "Toby-cheeks bead" - what a funny face he has....
(Monday) Remember my dog "Gandalf"? Well, he is taking his association to the "Lord of the Rings" very seriously, though in reverse - he turned from Gandalf the White to "Gandalf the Grey"....after I took the picture I gave him a bath and a serious haircut. Now is only has EARS left on his body....no picture of that, or someone would accuse me of cruelty towards animals. Good thing I am a beadmaker, and not a doggroomer.
(Sunday) - It's raining here in Friday Harbor. This must have been the coldest August I can remember. But it's a perfect day for making beads - or for doing absolutely nothing. If you are bored by any chance, check out this website, it is too cute!!!! (thanks Lisa!)
One of the cool things about being part of the lampwork community is that we get the opportunity to communicate with all kinds of people - all over the world. Besides being able to speak English, one thing we have all in common is the love of glass - and maybe the ability to be creative with it - either by making something OUT OF glass or by making something with the beads or pieces someone else created out of glass. I know that there all a lot of wonderful things out there, born in the flame, but I wanted to share this little "glass-adventure" - made by Shimon Atia in Israel:
I would like to dedicate this forward to all the women in my life who are doing just what it says below - with a special thanks to Sheryl:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there,
no matter how much time and how
many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away
than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you
have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life
will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,
praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on
your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk
beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,
daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,
Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended
family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and
neither would I. When we began this adventure called
womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or
sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we
would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.
Pass this on
to all the women who help make your life meaningful.
I just did.
Short and very sweet:
There are more than twenty angels in this world.
Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds.
Nine are playing.
And one is reading her email at this moment.
One of these days I am going to write a book on "1001 ways to burn yourself while making beads". Last night I put a rod of glass in my "3rd hand" (which is my mouth), and then I turned around and looked at something, and I stuck the hot end of the rod (a "Hotrod" of the third kind) right into my shoulder. Outch (but the burn on my left hand is healing nicely)....
Listing Beads on my website is very hard, when there is so much dog-love around (question, how many dogs are in this picture?)
I often add a little "quote of wisdom" here that someone had forwarded to me. But last night I remembered that I own an entire book of quotations, with almost 1000 pages of smart things people said, sorted ny topics.... I am now reading the chapter on "HAPPINESS", how about this quote by Dave Gardner (whoever that is...):
SUCCESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT, HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU GET.
My friend Jackie forwarded me this "Dementia Test", it's pretty cute...the perfect thing to do on a busy Monday morning in the officee (what do I know about that?)
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen
test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your
loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing
it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until
you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up
now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question
2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,'
don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may
even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate
literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said
'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these??? If
you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during
the flight,TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany, West Germany, or no man's
land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must
stop.
If you said, 'You don't bury survivors,' proceed
to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus;
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get
off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five
people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You
then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do
better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
(Sunday) - something interesting to read, it's titled "HOW TRUE", and it describes exactly how MY childhood was....thanks Jackie for the forward.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding three up on a push bike was always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate bread pudding, white bread and real butter and drank lemonade with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our trolleys out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computer s, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given air guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
School sports teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age
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(Friday) - I am having tons of fun with the "beadorables"....just challenging myself to see how much detail I can fit on a pea-sized bead....so, my next round of specials is going to be fun.
In the meantime, a little inspirational story, thanks Tonya!
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.
As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.
He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.
A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?" "No, keep reading"
"In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.
It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient...
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross
+ 3 nails
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4 given
(Thursday) - Just a quick update with something really funny - hope that you are going to have a wonderful weekend, and I'll "see you again" next week....I have lots of ideas for beads, hope that they will translate into glass, we'll see.
Subject: Disorder in the court
These are really funny.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> > > > >>>
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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